Monday, January 26, 2009

This posting isn’t for the fainthearted, easily offended, male audience, children or my parents!

The Hubs is a retired sailor and has pretty much seen a lot of things I can’t even begin to understand. One of those things being The Lady’s of Thailand and the famous Ping Pong Show. It has perplexed me for years (even before I met The Hubs) as to how those women discovered they had such a talent. Were they just sitting around and someone said “hey look what I just discovered I can do!” as they are shooting a ping pong ball out their Vajayjay. I just never could wrap my brain around how someone could discover such a talent. I know that there is a lot more to this “talent” selection process than I really want to know but you get where I’m going with this not understanding right? How does a girl discover she should really apply for the new Ping Pong Idol contest and become part of the “arts” in Thailand? I just have never understood it.

I had my annual doctor’s appointment the other day. I was soooooooooooo not looking forward to going and had put it off as long as I could.
I got up, got showered, shaved, lotioned up so I smelled good, clean underwear, clean bra, Ladies, you know the routine. I even fasted for 12 hours prior for this appointment.

So I get to my appointment, check in with the nurse, she tells me “good news /bad news, you haven’t shrunk but you have gained weight” FANTASTIC! I was hoping for tall and skinny. Maybe next time!
Then we go in to the exam room where she takes my vitals, takes some blood and proceeds to ask me why I don’t have kids. I’m thinking “you have my damn chart!” "You know why!"
We chat for a little while, then I wait for the doctor.
My doctor is a female, she’s a few years younger than me and we always have a good time when I have a visit. We joke around, she listens to me bitch about how I’m falling apart, I’m hormonal, and I’m probably going to need some kind of surgery on my latest Hypochondriac aliment I have dreamed up. She usually ends the appointment with “you’re not falling apart, you’re super healthy, you don’t need surgery and I’ll see you next year”
So she comes in, we chat, start laughing and joking around like we usually do. She proceeds with the exam and then it’s time….. DUM DUM Insert doom music here…… Time for the dreaded “get to know you “ part of the exam. So I slide down, legs pointed to Jesus, and we start chatting as she's getting to know me better. Then she cracks some joke, I crack a joke back and I start laughing. HUGE MISTAKE! As soon as I started laughing the speculum flew out across the room. Now my doctor is laughing so hard she can’t even speak. I say “ did that just shoot out of me?” She barely gets out the reply of yes and I say “DAMN! I should go to Thailand and work!” “I had no idea!” All she can manage to get out is “stop talking and laughing!” So she finishes up the exam and basically calls it quits for my appointment because she can't stop laughing.
As I was getting my paperwork together from the nurse, my doctor comes out and says to me “I have done probably 10,000 of these exams and I have NEVER had that happen!”
I laughed and told her that I had always wondered how those ping pong show ladies knew they could do that and now I know. AND….. WOWZA was my
ex-sailor husband going to be happy with this news!

I think he’s been searching the sporting goods ads for ping pong ball sales since I told him!

If I mysteriously stop blogging for a couple weeks without notifying you………..CALL THE AUTHORITIES! He got me a job…..IN THAILAND!!!

I can’t make this shit up!


April said...

Timi - Stop, Girl!! I.Can't.Breathe. I am so glad you decided to cross those lines and post this story - oh my!! Laughing my ass off on this Monday morning is what I needed!

Laurie Anne said...

Jay is a very lucky man :0)

AGSoccerMom said...

Damn I am glad I already had my yearly visit, roflmao.

kal said...

Oh you are too funny. You made my day!

Miss Charity said...

Oh my Goodness...Timi! I've not met you, but I hear so much about you! I know Trisha and Amber...your a riot, that absolutely hilarious, HA! Can't wait to meet ya!

WSU Laura said...

I am still laughing! It's good to know you have a job to fall back on in these economic times.:-)

Linda said...

OMG ROTFLMAO AND Piddling my pants!!
I don't know if I can take meeting you in person but know I have to, just might need a drink or two to do it with, ha!
Make sure you get paid WELL in Thailand!

Far From Perfect said...

I'm still smiling- that's the funniest damn thing I heard ALL day. Thanks

Sue at Serendipity said...

Funniest thing I have read lately and now I wonder how many women out there are going to be trying this trick?!!!! (Expelling either the speculum or the balls-LOL!)

Glad you decided to post!!!!!


Amber Rose said...

You are fricken FUNNY!!! Seriously I'm laughing so stinking hard right now I'm crying!! Too good lady!!

Auntie Joy said...

Wow!! You are one talented lady!! I had my yearly last week and I didn't perform any talents for the doctor. The doctor I had prior to this one, asked me 3 or more times during an examine if I smoked, finally I said, no and if I did I wouldn't be using that part of the anatomy.. she then told me she knew a prostitute in Reno that could blow smoke rings... So there is a trick you might want to try!
See ya Wednesday!

Coastal Nest. said...

word...No wonder you won over that sailorboy..your gooooood..real good.

Timi said...

Let the record show...........I DID NOT know of such a talent before I married he sailor boy. This was news to me this week.
Had I known, I would have been using my power for evil all along, as opposed to the good that I might use it for currently. The good being a shinny new car!

A Thing for Roses said...

OMG Timi, that is too, too funny! Who knew my BFF had such tricks up her sleeve? It's always nice to discover new talents we never knew we had. Now you can add it to your resume. Just kidding. Thanks so much for the chuckle.



Lateda said...

Seriously, this is PROOF that we really do need to hang out! I love your humor Timi! Shopping? soon?
I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants, which is the result of my stretched bladder... Im so jealous you have such skills!
This girl cant even jump on a trampoline without requiring a change of pants afterwards... Oh joy!
Lets get together someday!

Mr. Fustercluck said...

I am still in a state of shock. Not sure how to handle knowing your new superpower.

Wanda said...





Maison Douce said...

Wow, the things we learn about each other in blogland... Timi, you are too funny!! I am still laughing!! Going to look for a ping pong ball, now, I sure don't want to be outdone...

adozeneggs said...

Wow! I was wishing I could knit or sew.
A new skill to covet.

Halo Hill said...

Timi, you are so funny!

Anonymous said...

I don't think you need any keagels that thing went flying.